@KrunkedRobot: Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station's phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
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@stevevsninjas: [grocery store seized by terrorists] "Not today", I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin' Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
@aka_fatman: Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald's burgers! Hamburgler's Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
@LuckoftheDraw86: There is no "five second rule"... Just a "shame-to-hunger" ratio.
@ABurgerADay: Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it's a small soft drink.
@stevevsninjas: [camera store] Luke: I'd like to buy a tripod. Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
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