@KrunkedRobot

Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

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@T_Bonezzz_

When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me

@TheToddWilliams

[office]

ME: I’m back from vacation!

BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!

ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days

@Cheeseboy22

The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.

@Bob_Janke

Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost

Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator

Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!

@OBiiieeee

Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol

@Browtweaten

Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around

Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*

Me: THAT’S IT

@daemonic3

[art store]

You do free framing?

“With any purchase”

Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do

@poutinesmoothie

Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.

@TheRealRHB

Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…

@Home_Halfway

LAWYER: Your Uncle Paul Watt passed away
ME: Wow I didn’t know him
L: He bequeathed his mine to you
ME: Wait a minute
L: Watts mine is yours