@KrunkedRobot: Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station's phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
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@KKAlThani: Relationship tip: every night text yourself "Good morning love!" & turn off your phone real quick to wake up with a good morning text.
@LizHackett: THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I'm drunk enough, I'll tell you. ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let's do this.
@P_o_n_k: [Shower] ME: This is literally my most vulnerable, unexpecting, and relaxed state SHAMPOO BOTTLE: Seems like a good time to hit the ground
@shutupmikeginn: Don't tell me I look tired unless you're offering to carry me
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