Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
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Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
S M O L
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.