December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
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Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth