Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
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I don’t need people. I have potato chips. And unlike people you can enjoy them and then legally throw their crumpled remains into a campfire
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Look, all I’m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it