@SortaBad

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane

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@Quartzjixler

Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.

@vladchoc

I don’t need people. I have potato chips. And unlike people you can enjoy them and then legally throw their crumpled remains into a campfire

@Brianhopecomedy

My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.

@mattZillaaaa

Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.

@ShortWhiteNUgly

My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.

@Shen_the_Bird

genie: what is your first wish

me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice

genie: [kermit the frog voice] why

@SteveSackington

Look, all I’m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.

@AngryRaccoon2

“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?

Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”

-Teenagers

@Skoogeth

me: thanks for the new bath toy

her: you’re welcome

me: oh and it makes toast too?

@Ristolable

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it