Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
You Might Also Like
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.