Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane

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Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.


I don’t need people. I have potato chips. And unlike people you can enjoy them and then legally throw their crumpled remains into a campfire


My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.


Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.


My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.


genie: what is your first wish

me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice

genie: [kermit the frog voice] why


Look, all I’m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.


“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?

Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”



me: thanks for the new bath toy

her: you’re welcome

me: oh and it makes toast too?


I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it