*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*


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BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.

WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”


If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.


Boss: Why were you late today?

Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*

Me: Traffic.


Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.


[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!

Son: Aw I wanted candy

Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading


I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”


To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.


I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma


Cop: do you know why I was following you?
Me: WAS following? Wait you unfollowed me?
Me… Is it cause of the drugs?


You know what else is fun? Playing dead when your husband receives the credit card bill…