BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
*frantically searches around*
WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
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If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!
Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Cop: do you know why I was following you?
Me: WAS following? Wait you unfollowed me?
Me… Is it cause of the drugs?
You know what else is fun? Playing dead when your husband receives the credit card bill…