@Marlebean

*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*

WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!

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@Sammy_Sega

BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.

WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”

@Quartzjixler

If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.

@PinkCamoTO

Boss: Why were you late today?

Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*

Me: Traffic.

@Maxine12333

Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.

@ArfMeasures

[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!

Son: Aw I wanted candy

Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading

@Cheeseboy22

I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”

@WittySassBasket

To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.

@EmilyZDavis

I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma

@WeissBrandon

Cop: do you know why I was following you?
Me: WAS following? Wait you unfollowed me?
Cop:haha
Me:haha
Cop…
Me… Is it cause of the drugs?

@amazymay72x

You know what else is fun? Playing dead when your husband receives the credit card bill…