The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
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You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.