son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
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Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
My kitchen overserved me.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.