Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
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Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it