The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
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What do we want?” “A cure for ADHD!” “When do we want it?” “Squirrel!”
james bond: shaken not stirred
home depot employee: thats how we always mix the paint
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
ME: Is this Babies R Us
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
ME: Get me your manager
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Facebook is pretty much the Wal-Mart of the internet.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?