@WhaJoTalkinBout

Joseph: 3 minutes BC

Mary: Aaarghhhhhh

Joseph: 2 minutes BC

Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!

Joseph: 1 minute BC

Mary: JESUS CHRIST

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@Carbosly

The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.

I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.

@iQuoteComedy

What do we want?” “A cure for ADHD!” “When do we want it?” “Squirrel!”

@linkindrinkin

james bond: shaken not stirred

home depot employee: thats how we always mix the paint

@GavinProbably

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

@egg_dog

If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die

@EndhooS

[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]

@Home_Halfway

ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager

@80sjams

I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?

Me: In case there’s a burglar.

5:

Me:

5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?