Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
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FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
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18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Customer is always right
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.