JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
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The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
I like long walks away from everyone
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.