[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”

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No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.


Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.

-Lord of the Rings


BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?


going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people


*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*


I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.


Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.