[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
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Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
The pasta is now
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.