Who is Keto and why is everyone posting his shitty recipes?
Joseph: no rooms? Dude she’s about to give birth to humanity’s savior
Innkeeper: sorry busy around Christmas time
J: wtf around what time
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The six stages
that show “Intervention” should just be called “Haters”
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
[In the middle of shootout]
Hey, can I borrow your chapstick?
When people say things like “You can’t change the past” I can’t help but wonder what it must be like to have that brilliant of a mind.
Coworker: I lost my phone.
CW: I don’t know where it is.
M:*perplexed look* You’re not glued to it like a NORMAL person? Freak!
my 3 year old kept saying she “wants a spirit guest & needs a spirit guest” and “has a spirit guest” and like 4 exorcisms later, i realized she was just talking about asparagus.