@Barknado69

Joseph: no rooms? Dude she’s about to give birth to humanity’s savior

Innkeeper: sorry busy around Christmas time

J: wtf around what time

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@eliyudin

that show “Intervention” should just be called “Haters”

@alyssalimp

Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine

Me today: 2pm time for bed

@HenpeckedHal

caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…

me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???

caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?

@WheelTod

In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.

@Sarcasticsapien

When people say things like “You can’t change the past” I can’t help but wonder what it must be like to have that brilliant of a mind.

@marcia_bee

Coworker: I lost my phone.

Me: WHAT?

CW: I don’t know where it is.

M:*perplexed look* You’re not glued to it like a NORMAL person? Freak!

@om_eye_goodness

my 3 year old kept saying she “wants a spirit guest & needs a spirit guest” and “has a spirit guest” and like 4 exorcisms later, i realized she was just talking about asparagus.