@Barknado69

Joseph: no rooms? Dude she’s about to give birth to humanity’s savior

Innkeeper: sorry we get really busy around Christmas time

Joseph: around what time

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@riesypiecey

its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.

@lisaxy424

I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.

@Reverend_Scott

Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[heaven]

ME: so about those footprints…

GOD: footprints?

ME: from when you carried me

GOD: wasn’t me

ME: well then who—

GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit

@copymama

9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.

@UncleDuke1969

ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?

@Phook75

Working on a theory that Johnny Depp died shortly after The Rum Diary and filthy scarves and wigs are simply wheeled onto movie sets now

@Birdhumms

Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.