@Barknado69

Joseph: no rooms? Dude she’s about to give birth to humanity’s savior

Innkeeper: sorry we get really busy around Christmas time

Joseph: around what time

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@tchrquotes

When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.

@daemonic3

[traffic court]

Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets

JUDGE: Repeat infractions?

Ok, I’m here to dispute ?/? of my tickets

@stevevsninjas

-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!

Victorian Era YouTube comments

@aSapCoolDad

*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race

@InternetHippo

Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down

@notmythirdrodeo

If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.

@Dis0beyJay

Say what you want about cargo pants but no woman has ever turned down a guy who can carry 7 puppies at once

@joejwest

[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues

@HatfieldAnne

My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.