Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
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Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.