When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Joseph: no rooms? Dude she’s about to give birth to humanity’s savior
Innkeeper: sorry we get really busy around Christmas time
Joseph: around what time
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Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ?/? of my tickets
Victorian Era YouTube comments
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Say what you want about cargo pants but no woman has ever turned down a guy who can carry 7 puppies at once
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
ME: My search continues
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.