Joseph: no rooms? Dude she’s about to give birth to humanity’s savior

Innkeeper: sorry we get really busy around Christmas time

Joseph: around what time

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its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.


I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.


Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.



ME: so about those footprints…

GOD: footprints?

ME: from when you carried me

GOD: wasn’t me

ME: well then who—

GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit


9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.


ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?


Working on a theory that Johnny Depp died shortly after The Rum Diary and filthy scarves and wigs are simply wheeled onto movie sets now


Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.