Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
You Might Also Like
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.