Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
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My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.