Josh: [after he spills root beer on the TV and ruins it] I drink root beer. You don’t see me explodin’!

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Am I capable of premeditated murder?

Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.


I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.

Ha ha I’m so lonely


Crime rates are down 100% after President Obama made it illegal to do crimes. “I don’t know why we didn’t think of this before,” he said.


He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.


Is anybody else having trouble logging into my wife’s Facebook account?


(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here


me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok


[in car]

7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd

*5 minutes later*

7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy


British people playing guitar be like this ones called bloke on the water