@DrakeJoshQuotez

Josh: [after he spills root beer on the TV and ruins it] I drink root beer. You don’t see me explodin’!

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@girlontapas

Am I capable of premeditated murder?

Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.

@RickAaron

I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.

Ha ha I’m so lonely

@boring_as_heck

Crime rates are down 100% after President Obama made it illegal to do crimes. “I don’t know why we didn’t think of this before,” he said.

@Lisa_Laughs_

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

@CYComedy

Is anybody else having trouble logging into my wife’s Facebook account?

@singwithTaffy

(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here

@GrantTanaka

me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[in car]

7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd

*5 minutes later*

7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy

@thomastf04

British people playing guitar be like this ones called bloke on the water