journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
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Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.