Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
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A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…