@TheTweetOfGod

Journalists love covering Lindsay Lohan because what she is to actresses, they are to professions.

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@GPUNK74

Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…

Me: You did?

Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!

@WhatevaConc

Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?

@PaperWash

[death row]

Guard: alright tough guy one last meal

Me: a cyanide pill

Guard: what? no we want to kill you!

Me: too bad

Guard: aw man

@egg_dog

Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…

@ArfMeasures

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

@shadygrenade

*ransom note on gun*

[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]

[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]

@Lisabug74

I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.

@ballerguy

I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”