Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
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When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
incredible
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb