Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
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Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Great acting.. 😂
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
So the ex texted me
So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free.
And cake free.
OK it’s just rum
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me