All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
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Does it…does it take 3 days
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science