@scot7a

JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶

ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??

JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶

ME: Ah. Carry on.

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@archerenemy

Referring to her 28-day cycle as her Doomsday Clock is wrong…

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@Torgo_phylum

Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes

Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms

Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home

Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great

@SortaBad

JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever

ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age

@thatUPSdude

Next time someone is tailgating you on the freeway, throw a handful of change out the window.

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@TheLincoln

For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!

@hansmollman

a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention

@ProdigyNelson

*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it

@NervousJr

The same woman who said “I’m your mom not your friend” has sent me 17 Facebook friend requests.

@Abid_ism

once someone was like “millennials don’t answer a door if they aren’t expecting anyone???” and i get why the 70s had so many serial killers

@SkinnieTalls

Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.