Referring to her 28-day cycle as her Doomsday Clock is wrong…
I know that now…
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶
ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
ME: Ah. Carry on.
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Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Next time someone is tailgating you on the freeway, throw a handful of change out the window.
Trust me, best 97 cents you will ever spend.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
The same woman who said “I’m your mom not your friend” has sent me 17 Facebook friend requests.
once someone was like “millennials don’t answer a door if they aren’t expecting anyone???” and i get why the 70s had so many serial killers
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.