[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
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Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Sharon, call the vet
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
welp
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”