[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
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A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
WHO DID THIS?
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
craving $300 all of a sudden
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Realize this:
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”