JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
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I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Oh, I bet you would be
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister