@EJGomez

judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever

jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam

judas: yo what the f

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@UnicornSyrup

I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

@Cool_Jesse

That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.

@stevezorz

Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.

@joshgondelman

Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.

@donni

MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!

@TheDjinnTrials

Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.

@ohpegah

ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager