I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
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That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager