Judas: How long are your arms?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
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I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
My 5 year old just ended a phone call with “I gotta jump, Daddy. I’m out.”
And now everyone in my house is officially cooler than me.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
I swear I heard my dentist whisper “yolo” as he reached for a chisel…
I sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month on eBay.