Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Judas: How long are your arms?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
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No, he would not have.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
4-year-old: Can we go get ice cream?
Me: It’s freezing outside.
4: I know. It won’t melt.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Looking for someone to do the heavy lifting when I need a body buried…
~ No weirdos
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle
Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.