Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
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me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Yes
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs