@BoogTweets

Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.

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@timk927

Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others

@SkinnerSteven

I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Can we go get ice cream?

Me: It’s freezing outside.

4: I know. It won’t melt.

@funflaps

[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]

ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor

CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this

@mjkspeaks

[interview]

Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?

Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”

@TheSofiya

I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT

@PoliceBadBoy

Looking for someone to do the heavy lifting when I need a body buried…

~ No weirdos

@mommajessiec

Modern Way to Name Babies:

1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle

Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.