If by “eat clean” you mean “donuts in the shower”, then yes – I eat clean.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
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We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
*puts my hand in a popcorn bucket only to notice there’s another hand in there already*
*it’s just my other hand*
Me: My sister is pregnant
Him: Does she know the sex?
Me: I’m pretty sure that’s how she got pregnant
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it