judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God

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If by “eat clean” you mean “donuts in the shower”, then yes – I eat clean.


We squint at the sun because it’s bright.

We squint at people because they are not.


*puts my hand in a popcorn bucket only to notice there’s another hand in there already*
*it’s just my other hand*


Me: My sister is pregnant

Him: Does she know the sex?

Me: I’m pretty sure that’s how she got pregnant


Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!


Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.


Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby

Case of beer: I have a boyfriend


Wife: Our daughter lied to me.

Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?

5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.


Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it