judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
You Might Also Like
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*