Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
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The absolute effort that went into this omg
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
[the middle of showering] I need a break
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.