Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@0kilyDokily

Me: I don’t think I belong

Therapist: Do you think you be short?

@DaveTheAlbino

I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.

@MelvinofYork

My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album

@liv_thatsme

Me: I hate one-uppers.

One-upper: Not as much as I do.

@bonehugsnirony

Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army

@catcerveny

As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”

@abbycohenwl

Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically

@carlyken

[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife

@NuryVittachi

WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait

@birbigs

How do you milk an almond?