Judas is buying everyone shots.

Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him

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Me: I don’t think I belong

Therapist: Do you think you be short?


I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.


My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album


Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army


As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”


Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically


[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife


WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait