Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
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My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
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One-upper: Not as much as I do.
Me:  next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me:  next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
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How do you milk an almond?