Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
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When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Okey dokey.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Somebody’s lying.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.