Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
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What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
How it started How it’s going
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.