Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
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I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.