Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
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Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us