@dank_dino

*judge bangs gavel on desk*
*judge cooks gavel breakfast in the morning*
*judge tell gavel he loves her*
*judge marries gavel*

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@trumpetcake

My new coloring book, How To Tell The Woman You Love You’ve Been Living In Her Shrubs For A Year, comes out on tUESsdhay martha i love you

@ericsshadow

My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.

@UnFitz

“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.

Sunday, slutty Sunday.

@Duke1173

As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

@panmidwest

FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?

ME: doesn’t ring a bell

@jwoodham

[Dumbledore gets hit with Avada Kedavra]
HOUSE MD: I think he had lupus.

@offbeatoliv

I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.

@mommajessiec

They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.

@TheBoydP

Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?

Well played men, well played…

@_roryturnbull

Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.