@ThugRaccoons

Judge: Call your next witness

Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips

Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in

You Might Also Like

@bluebonetbabies

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

@foxnerdrn

I feel like my parents grossly overstated the number of times I’d be offered candy by strangers.

@pauleggleston

-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.

@PJTLynch

My favorite part in Pretty Woman is her joy when he agrees to pay $3,000 for 6 days, effectively lowering her rate from $100/hr to $21/hr

@yonewt

Coming home to my dog reeking of hamburgers and betrayal

@inikoblue

Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.

@Ygrene

[sneeze one]

Bless you

[sneeze two]

Bless you

[sneeze three]

You are under arrest