@ThugRaccoons

Judge: Call your next witness

Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips

Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in

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@Rachelnoise

If by ‘lucky’ you mean I remember to clean the lint trap so it doesn’t self combust, then yes, I’m up all night to get lucky. . . Again.

@SaltyCorpse

My dog: I can’t get her up.

My Other dog: Did you lick her face?

My dog: Yeah, no dice.

My other dog: Did you run to the door and back?

My dog: Yes. Sheesh.

My Cat: Get out of my way, amateurs. *hurk* *gag* *hurk* Now she’s up, peasants.

@HeatherAntos

Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black

@Try2StopME

99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.

@hellohappy_time

We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.

@fro_vo

[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this

@Brentweets

I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.

@Reverend_Scott

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Amazon.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Shipping. Go to sleep.

@aRealLiveGhost

anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra