Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
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I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*