My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
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I feel like my parents grossly overstated the number of times I’d be offered candy by strangers.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Don’t you start.
My favorite part in Pretty Woman is her joy when he agrees to pay $3,000 for 6 days, effectively lowering her rate from $100/hr to $21/hr
Coming home to my dog reeking of hamburgers and betrayal
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
You are under arrest