Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
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“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”