Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
You Might Also Like
Behind every successful man stands a surprised woman and behind her stands the surprised mother-in-law and behind her,your surprised Dad.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
I may be ugly but I used to be uglier
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.