Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
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If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
british sex workers really pound for pound
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
I hope it’s French Onion!
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.