I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
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“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
I never needed anything more in my life
Netflix: We have Less
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*