*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
You Might Also Like
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man