Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
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Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
if i must be murdered, my one request is that you leave my body propped up in a spinning chair faced away from the door so that whoever finds me will gently tap my shoulder and cause the chair to turn and theatrically reveal my corpse while thunder rolls above
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?