[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
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We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.