Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
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My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.