I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
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Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key