@Home_Halfway

Judge: Good news, I’m reducing your sentence

Me: That’s gr

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@BibiCheret

Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?

@NewDadNotes

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

@prufrockluvsong

Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff

Me: you mean like microscopic germs

Life coach: no you should probably worry about those

Me: choking hazards

Life coach: that’s not-

Me: killer bees

Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*

@walks_on_legs

Interview tip: maintain eye contact. If they try to look at documents, put your head between them and the documents.

@Lisabug74

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

@sarcasticmommy4

If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.

@Kyle_Lippert

“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”