Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.

Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen

My what?

“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

Me: I need a four-letter word for identical

Her: same

Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.

But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.

“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times

“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers

Come back with a warrant

My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.

My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.

The human personality is made of five key elements

Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.

Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*

I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.

*during sex*

Me: *unrolling a wrapper*

Her: you don’t have to use a condom

Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister

I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.

WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic

THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?

ME: No. It should be fewer arguments

Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.

All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.

Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.

OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!

“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “

Me: Delete it!

Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.

Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.

Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.

46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.

Kid: Hey Mom.

Me: I’m asleep.

Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?

Me: I’M AWAKE.