Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
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*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
A family that plays together cheats.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING