JUDGE: Has the jury reached the verdict?

T-REX JURY: Um, we’re unable reach anything Your Honor

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Word of advice.

If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.

Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.


Telescopes probably use mirrors which means there is absolutely no way to know how many vampires there are in space.


6yo wants to “have a conversation” with the class bully’s parents. Either he’s mature beyond his years or he’s a mobster.


Should I buy a new pair of sunglasses or just leave $60 in a restaurant?


You have to put a potato in the microwave to push the potato button. Other things dont turn into potatoes.

*brought to you by Bounty*


“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane


If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.


Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.


Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.