going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
You Might Also Like
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?