Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
You Might Also Like
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Remember folks 😂
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
I unironically love this joke.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Who called it baking and not making love
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”