Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
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[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Crush: what’s your zodiac sign?
*he’s not sure but he wanted to impress her so he said,
Guy: you first 🙂
Crush: I’m Cancer ☺ And you?
Guy: uhmmm… I’m…. Ulcer 🙄
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.