judge: how do you plead

me: *burps* excuse me

judge: you are excused

me: [running away] gottem lol

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OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.

…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.


If I’m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.


I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him


See those guys? They apply ordinary grammatical structure and natural flow of speech, rather than rhythmic structure. They’re real prose.



Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef


Wow, 5 years ago we had Steve Jobs and Neil Armstrong. Now we have no jobs and no arms.


Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.


I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.


[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]


boss: teamwork is very important

workers: [unionize]

boss: not like that