@carboncaitlin

judge: how do you plead

me: *burps* excuse me

judge: you are excused

me: [running away] gottem lol

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@ddsmidt

OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.

…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.

@LoneWolfStories

If I’m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.

@panmidwest

I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him

@briangaar

See those guys? They apply ordinary grammatical structure and natural flow of speech, rather than rhythmic structure. They’re real prose.

@nyquills

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

@robfee

Wow, 5 years ago we had Steve Jobs and Neil Armstrong. Now we have no jobs and no arms.

@RachelNoise

Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.

@Parkerlawyer

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

@brendohare

[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]

@apowerfulbird

boss: teamwork is very important

workers: [unionize]

boss: not like that