@carboncaitlin

judge: how do you plead

me: *burps* excuse me

judge: you are excused

me: [running away] gottem lol

You Might Also Like

@jctwritesstuff

Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*

Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!

@roxiqt

[God making peaches]

ANGEL: we already have nectarines

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them

ANGEL: what

GOD: what

@danadonly

a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?

@DrDogMD

NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!

DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one

@Ann_tookeen

Crush: what’s your zodiac sign?

*he’s not sure but he wanted to impress her so he said,

Guy: you first 🙂
Crush: I’m Cancer ☺ And you?

Guy: uhmmm… I’m…. Ulcer 🙄

@kibblesmith

Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”

Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun

@serendipitydon1

It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.

@LetMeStart

[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.