judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
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[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
what’s more important?
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
he was correct
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Nose
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up