Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
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ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?